never let me go

I wanted to write a simple letter and let you go.. the problem was, it wasn’t a simple matter. So here I sit, holding on, to words I can’t write down, feelings too strong to speak clearly but mostly.. words.. in my head and heart.

They mock me with their refusal to submit to pen and paper.

I laugh at them.. my soul refuses to shatter, even in the tsunami of your betrayal, I cannot be shaken. I refuse to submit and in doing so, rise.

 

 

In The Name of Love.

In The Name of Love.

It amazes me as I sit here, butterflies rumbling like this is the first day of school, or the way jitters would always rush in before the quiet confidence, the peace that would overtake before every play, stage lights would come up and it was my turn to be someone else. This time, the lights are up, but it’s my turn to finally be me.

I am a Shameless Daughter of Eve, a child of God. It amazes me today, the strength, the fire and passion I see in the woman I am growing to love with ever-more patience …

I am, because He first loved me, brought the right people, at the right time, in what could have been a very different outcome.. I see a story, biblical in proportion in the ways God has pursued, saved, redeemed, found and miracle after miracle throughout my entire life been ever-present. Annoyingly So. Ever-So-Patient. The way I can now, through new lenses, see God’s hand, so intentionally crafting and shaping my life to teach and grow me as patiently as silver is purified. As much as our enemy would try to have us believe we are mere accidents, forgotten, unloved, abandoned, unworthy and alone, we are crafted from dust. That takes some thought and intention.

The enemy can only twist the truth. He is not original, his lies are somehow always connected to something true, something he wishes to either steal, rob or destroy from you. Your job is to look into your heart and find what that is, sometimes we can love this thing so much, it can become an idol – something within our life that we either hold higher, or “seem to know better” than God.

“Idols are super fun.” – Said no one ever.

We can even make false idols by denying God the glory he gets to have from our passions, when we choose not to pursue them, thinking again, we must know better. We don’t want to embarrass God after all. Right?? Oh so dead wrong. I even had an idol literally smack me on my head and it was something I had been praying for! PRAYING FOR?! What happened to that whole “I will not be ashamed of the testimony about our Lord…rather join me in suffering for the gospel, by the power of God” or “there is no condemnation for those in Christ”.. see, I used to think  that whole “don’t be ashamed of the testimony that is Christ Jesus” meant his story, his death, his resurrection and HIS life here on earth and I would think, how silly? Why would I be ashamed of that? I LOVE God for that, for he so loved me first that he sent his only son to die on my behalf and for all creation so that those who love him might come to live with him for all eternity.. But I had it all wrong. I was ashamed of MY testimony.. ashamed of who I am, in Christ, who he made me to be. My story isn’t pretty. I’ve done stupid things, been through horrific things, been through Whiskey Tango Foxtrot things, you the know the ones you go through and STILL wouldn’t wish on your worst enemy for the fact that you barely managed to crawl from the wreckage. But that’s just it. All the crap is just that. CRAP. None of it compares to the glory yet to be revealed in us. That’s not a “new heaven, new earth” idea either.. That is something we are meant to experience now. On THIS earth. In THIS time. It’s the GOOD NEWS of why its better to be born on this side of the time machine, not the B.C. They had to live with perfect law in order to present the MOST perfect offering to God to save us all. But what that sacrifice bought all who hear and receive that message is complete restoration. NOW. That’s what comes with FULL healing and restoration, FULL communication and relation with Jesus, the Father and The Holy Spirit. I went through spiritual healing a few years ago & refresh often to “stay slippery”, a favorite saying among our church, thank you SwanMom, The philosophy:**the enemy can’t get a foothold if you stay slippery. Remain in His Love, Keep in The Spirit and get rid of new crap quickly so that nothing can take root. But then it hit me, the testimony Paul is referring to, is your own.  And if Paul can be unashamed of his testimony what the heck is my excuse?

Paul had the BEST reason to be ashamed on BOTH sides of his religious war. On the one hand, he was very successful massacring Christians. Christians FEARED him, for their VERY life. He had POWER, was ordained through man, through their government to carry out these orders.. so when God meets him on the road, its just that.. That whole shitty part, the killing and murdering of God’s beloved kids – the children who inherit HIS throne, the very ones who Jesus just literally died to save, is a road God was with him on, the whole time. God didn’t just bump into him on the road and convince him to see the light. God’s timing was HIS and HIS alone.

O Lord, you are my God; I will exalt and praise your name, for in perfect faithfulness you have done marvelous things, things planned long ago. Isaiah 25:1

One the other hand, once Paul stepped into his identity he opened up a whole new side of enemies, people who had trusted him and he was now the hunter being hunted. They very people and the very hearts God sent him to teach to, had no reason to trust him and every reason to hate him. He had every reason to feel shame in his actions, and yet had confidence. That kind of revelation, to be heard and received from those who should hate you most, your enemies, can ONLY come from God.. God revealed his very identity on that road to Paul, while calling out Paul’s very purpose, Who Paul was IN Christ. Paul was purposed, his story and passion, his knowledge from these crusades, knowing how the enemy operated and how to teach more effectively to Christians, every single thing that Paul had used for his acts against God could now be used for God’s ultimate glory. God wastes nothing. Every single hell on earth you have been through, every non-sensical job you have ever had, every single thing that you know to do is purposing you for what you need, for a task only you can do, because of who You are in Christ. God’s salvation is the story. His Glory, his suffering, his endurance, his joy, his triumphs, and they are sewn into our stories for us to recognize and know him better, but they are also used for his glory. If we don’t leave the shame behind, we let the enemy rob part of God’s story, His glory and His revelation as we are all saints, trying to fail better in an effort to walk with the Father, sink slower, focus harder on Jesus. I take GREAT relief and comfort that Peter is not ever recorded walking on water.. some things take us all a little longer to get and he is my great example in that, you can take joy in trying to learn the rest of your life. To Go and Do, not because you failed or get it all right, but because of your calling, for the glory of the one who lives in you.

One thing that the enemy has shaped and twisted over my head, my entire life, is something I can step into today, intentionally, with confidence, knowing I am a good and worthy daughter, treasured and loved more than diamonds and gold.

My identity was revealed beautifully deep and pitifully hysterical to think back on, a few years ago, during a slippery session.. I had two women of faith praying over me. I was miserable. At that time, I had a disabled and very broken husband on my hands, a toddler and I was a mess. I felt alone. I felt like we had come too far, trusted God with so much and I didn’t even know where to start digging to try to find a lamp to see where in hell to begin to climb out.

Pit. Of. Despair.

Every attempt to get me to find hope and see reason, fell from my cheeks, I could not hear them and did not care. Then one of them called me to attention in the name of Jesus. They demanded to know who I was in Christ, who did GOD say I was. Snot and tears bubbled out as I pitifully answered in a very quiet, a very broken voice, ‘his radiant bride’.. a giggle burst out as the women both, slightly shocked and breathless of finally finding something about who God says I am… bigger than my mess, bigger than the shit. They both prayed blessings over me and I could feel the tears of joy mingling with snot running down my cheeks. I couldn’t have cared less. I didn’t understand the word, the phrase or the timing right away, but accepted the blessing and his identity over my life. I look forward to even  more revelation with him on that, but for the past five years, the life-long pursuit and thus-far journey to discovering what that looks like and what that means, has left me completely in Awe of His greatness, His love; How he goes for my heart, pursues me, and treats me not as I see me, not as I see the story, but through his truth, as his Queen, his radiant bride, his glorious creation.

So… long story.. that gets published in 2017. But short story. I am a writer, a lover of words and a shameless daughter of Eve. I am a writer. A blogger, a journalist, a journal scrap-booker, a ThisIS30 writer, which so far has mostly been spiritual or life lessons… Oh.. and the thing the enemy had me so twisted over???  This area of my life has been down right assaulted by the enemy my entire life, and that is my sexual evolution with God over the course of my life. I also write just as passionately about sex. I write with complete abandon in this area of my life, it was in this area I first began my career as a writer (and still publish). I literally adore seeing the different parts of the world that tune in. Sex is a subject I am well read on, have studied since I can hardly remember and have had some pretty hysterical experiences.. also some horrific ones… but, it doesn’t matter how many times the enemy has tried to literally rob, steal or destroy this passion, The Love I have for being so shameless in the Father, in trying new things and not being afraid to fail, the joy I have in passing occasional wisdom and fun tips to a friend, or through a blog or in studying and exploring in child-like abandon with my partner in love is one of God’s greatest blessings to me, so healing and so restorative. I will not rob God of his glory by hiding that from the world or my peers, for though I can remember I am destined for a new earth and a new heaven where my ideas feel more natural, I can remember, I am here for a reason, I have a heart after God’s people and a love that runs deep, all through the grace of my Father. This is a part of that, it certainly doesn’t define me, but it is one of my favorite passions, I write with intention while leaving room for abandon.

Whether I am successful or fall flat on my face, one of the greatest victories we can have over the enemy is when he realizes all his attempts to destroy who you are, what you were made to do for the kingdom were only fueled for the glory of the Father. It’s choosing not to become lost in the story, I once heard, the enemy hits those who believe not because he can actually remove them from the father, they are already marked and sealed with Christ, but to make them as ineffective for the kingdom as possible. When we believe what he says, that’s what we allow him to do.. When we realize this, That he can no longer shame you for the story or part you played, is the day you can expect him to blow all hell loose. For he has lost you..

Let me repeat, Nothing is ever wasted.

Once you realize his game, the enemies shit becomes God’s fertilizer for what only God knows, and what he does best in partnership with those he has ransomed. His ways are indeed, mysterious. The older I grow, the more I learn and see, the more convinced I am, that letting go, allowing the mystery of God not to overwhelm my experience of him in the present, is the way to trust him completely. I truly don’t need to get it all, but today, I needed to detonate this fear, this shame, what feels like one of the final straws  to completely break free. This is Who I am. I pray that my passion and ideas on sex would never muddy the waters so that my love for Jesus and HIS glory in what God made to be good, to be beautiful, to be worthy, lovely and admirable is always present, always seen first, and never used for the enemies misconduct. And I also know, sex is not the point. It may have been where I started my official published career, but it does not define me, does not box me in.. I write about passion, passionately, because I love deeply. Where ever my career takes me, I know my passion will continue to lean in with the Spirit as I let go of fear and take hold of his truth more and more. In whatever you do, do it for the Lord.. that’s my shameless sex writing career. It’s taken me places I never thought I would go, but in that, God has been present and gracious, he has wasted nothing but purposed every lesson with such fine-tuned intention. It’s a ridiculous story. But it’s also my life. In the name of love, through Jesus, I can testify to God’s goodness. It doesn’t matter what life has done to you, what you have done to yourself or where you have been or where you think you are going. It is all meaningless. The most important thing you can do, at any point in the day, is show love, to any person, stranger or thing for the one in you and because he first loved us.

I mentioned I am passionate, yes?? In the name of Love.

P E A C E  be with you today and always Saints & Friends.

Right Round.

A lot of our friends have their financial shit together or fake it really well.. My husband and I kind of toe the line… on the one hand, we don’t have a single credit card and haven’t for years, God if only (eeks, thank you Jesus for denying us the thrill of momentarily ease.. when even the credit people don’t want to help you further in-debt yourself, you know its just going to be a long climb out), I wish it had even been for fun stuff. We splurged once.. Literally once… a year we had way too much, way too fast. It was really fun and we don’t regret it all. It was necessary. It was our first and to date last family vacation. It was badass awesome. But all that to say, in my thirties, I thought I’d have that part together by now. I sit with my husband, he works from the ass crack of dawn and then comes home and fucks his wife, acting like he’s been at sea for four months…I am not complaining. We are both equally made in this regard, sexual creations that are pretty liberated in that freedom. Our passion is not for the weak or faint of heart. When its good, it’s heaven on earth.. When it’s bad… Jesus is literally the only reason we are still married today. I’ve got nothing else there… our story is ridiculous and incredible, has some hysterical moments in the valleys that I can remember walking through, with him, and they were dark. But again. Jesus..

So.. well over two years ago.. this promise came to my husband.. it brought him immense peace,  easing what could have had us walking through each day plunged and haunted by the immense terror of climbing out and helping us to release it – KNOW, Do what we can, but also know God is big enough to see where his favored kids need help and  want to meet that need, because he is a good father. And so, we began to pray on it and test it. Various people and experiences came our way.. Some had a word, a prayer, a blessing, a job.. each time, one of us hopeful, maybe this was the promised redemption God promised to deliver that we have spent so much time in prayer over.. the desire to experience his complete ease and light yoke we crave in every area of our life… I have never been loved so well and it is showing… but when I look into his face, I see a man, feeling stuck in a job he excels in, but doesn’t fuel him. A man entering his prime of life, ready to let his passions and fire ignite him but in that stage that feels like restless-hebrew-syndrome as we wander waiting and hoping for this promised land, greater we are told, more vast than we can imagine… It sounds amazing. Sign me up. I will wait patiently on the Lord for His pleasure as I eagerly knock, seek and ask for his blessing and every time doubt or insecurity plague me, I take it back to the cross… but I can completely understand where the man, responsible for the household would be the one carrying the greater load of reason and worry.. but it is for this reason it must be less. WE can not have a problem claim to be bigger than God. It just doesn’t work that way. So either there is an obstacle in the way or you need to ask again.. which… I promise you ladies.. THAT is NEVER the thing to say to your spouse.. I tried to twist his arm into fasting from work tomorrow. call out Sick, drink and cuss or journal it out with God.. but since I see his ice packs put away, I know he will stick to his iron clad work morals.. which leaves me tonight to do the heavy lifting, with weapons that are far greater than anything else..  I took this very issue, the stress and strain I see on my husbands face, and prayed it out to the only One I know who can actually handle it. I want my husband to be free to chase his wildest ambition and I feel it is coming soon… but “soon” is not this second.. so as I am lifting him, blessing him, our family, asking again for a word, a song, anything… without hesitation, God speaks into my heart, while playing this in my mind.

It’s early morning.. I thrive off energy and I am overjoyed with the spirit. There is more than a pep in my step… There is a giggle.. an innocence, a blush.. in the air. I am working on prepping my husbands french press in our kitchen and am just nearly done when I feel his hands gently massage my shoulders, before moving in to kiss my exposed and vulnerable neck, biting and nipping his way along wickedly as his hands just happen to pin point and trace my spine and hips in a methodical leisure that brings my butt circling, near-dancing as I rise to feel the ridge of his cock against my ass. He also loves how his cock feels against my Beyond Yoga pants, so it’s not shocking that he lingers here for a moment before He laughs and asks how I am not exhausted..I think about it for a moment and then realize, I have been up since 4am. I try to think about everything I’ve accomplished this morning.. It’s only a little after 7AM… I had lessons with “Whisper”, my beautiful silver mare. I recall coming home, showering and then finding him on our patio, enjoying the first hints of sunrise, his coffee and bible as usual with a notebook.. A blow job turns into a quickie..which turns into me now running late..  I will not let my rush, rob anything from this peace, this serenity and these kisses on my neck..  I take a moment to glance out “our” backyard, down to a breath taking view of the sunrise playing as it usually does across this stretch of beach. It is in this moment of firelight dancing back through my window, that I realize, “My House” overlooks the ocean, and is in a beautifully decorated kitchen, exactly like something I would design MY dream kitchen to be. Everything is in perfect order, easy to find..  I am amazed and find eggs and bacon in the fridge and think, why not? As I begin to prep a fancier breakfast for the morning… He pulls me in for a deeply passionate kiss, before taking the pan from me and igniting the stove top himself. You Go. You have Pure Barre and then writing… Are we going to chill and netflix this afternoon before the kids get home? I laugh, while responding, if that means a nap and a quickie, then yes!  As I grab my car keys and head out to the garage, I recall the days schedule as I walk through a house I recognize with detail only I would make.. He is feeding and getting the girlies to school today before training and then hitting his workshop. We’ll both find each other for tea if we haven’t seen the other by 3pm, as is the usual standard.

NO Clue.. what kind of car I got into.. but I was happy to be running late, knowing I had started breakfast, the girls would be coming down soon.. and the smile on my husbands face, was the most free I have ever seen him.. so relaxed, at peace and so damn happy. It’s also a part of the morning only ever made possible by vacations or weekends. The morning routine is one I rarely have the privilege of his aide. I let the memory of this visual wash over me as I again renew my mind and ask God to bless it.. I know that face, the peace and fulfillment, is one I will be seeing again, very soon.. I hope for ridiculous things… from a father that adores me.. because I know who I am. #WarriorPrincess And yet none of that is the point… we were home.

This is 30 – OFF SCRIPT

This is 30 – OFF SCRIPT

“My life is composed of movement, moments, heart and truth. My heart is for people, my passion knows no bounds. I fight for peace and I aim for glory, my standard is not common among men.”  – R.D. Frey

Today… I am remembering the art of being transparent, the joy and fun I have in the shock factor, the joy and entertainment  I receive while regaling you with whatever-the-fuck I want to, while pursuing this thing on earth we call “life”, and more specifically, my thirties, what am I learning? What am I trying? Where have I failed epically!? That was the original point of this blog.. free-flow and prep for “This is 30.” this blog was supposed to be a transparent, raw, humorous resource of my life and the lessons I pursue.. the wisdom I seek and any failure along that road. I look back over every unpublished word I have written in the last 10 months and question everything; Myself, my motives, my desires, my flesh, my soul and my spirit. I remember words, phrases, conversations and ask myself, did You find what you were looking for? The answer is no.. Could I have done it better? Failed Sooner? Well yes, but, I might have found something better here, nothing I could have ever come up with on my own, and only through these trials and fails can I see it so clearly, The way through the obstacle. I recall a meeting I was privileged to attend just two months ago and hear the speaker again.. “Fail EARLY. Fail OFTEN. Fail CHEAP.” As someone who was taught from the tender days of my youth to aim for perfection, why settle for your second best when you can do better(LIE!), this whole idea of failing shook me to my core.. FAIL??? They WANT us to fail now and it’s actually positive??? This was not the world I grew up in.. in fact, this is not anything I have ever heard before as remotely positive.. and yet… it’s positive? to Fail?? If that is true, then I freely admit.. I have failed myself on this blog.. I have failed at the original goal to remain transparent, to remain laughing despite whatever heartache came along.. to remain true to myself, my spirit and my soul. Hearing the words again, “fail early, fail often, fail cheap” I truly wish I had failed earlier. Freedom is in the process.

I began ThisIs30.org a solid 10 months before my 30’s began… my personal philosophy, as someone who has always yearned to be older than my earthly body, I have always looked to my “conception” as the time of year I get to “jump” ahead to the next year, even though my birthday falls in August, every December, I automatically start saying I am a full 9 months older than my birth certificate can claim.. I see my “birthday” as the day I was conceived, the day my fathers sperm collided with my mothers womb as opposed to the day I first drew breath. I have always felt quite a bit older than I feel, always sought to hang out with not just kids older than myself, but also adults, from a very young age. The gap in the feeling, that I feel older than my actual age, has not diminished as I’ve aged and yet feels wider now than ever. The irony in feeling older than you are, and also feeling like you don’t know anything is not lost on me. To be an infant at 100, is startling and also refreshing. Did anyone else ever do that? Look to the older people around you, wishing and hoping for the day, you too, would know it all? Where’s my refund? IT TURNS OUT, THAT NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING… and most people who pretend to know, are just that… posers.. pretending. I remind myself with grace that I am one to be calling the kettle black. I have spent 30 years, studying, testing and learning from people, in the last 9 months more so than ever.. the HOPE is that I learned something, and I am going to rediscover it here, Ever Forward. Truth… yes, but above all, Love. Whatever I learned or think I know, it centers itself around Love and there is my great battle.. Discerning the truth in Love, with the posers, charlatans and cheapskates of this world, finding the saints and pursuing people. As I glance at this, I laugh, remembering the lessons, conversations, reading the words I have written in moments of confusion, hurt, betrayal and the words I have also written, in joy, in great hope and in full love. I could not imagine a greater start to my thirties or a more entertaining failure to learn from so quickly, but that’s where we are.. Today I am 30 and I am a writer, or at least I tell myself I am… I see “trust the PLAN is good” and “trust the process in the plan” on my wall, encouragement centered into my core… and this process of writing, when you don’t know what to say, find yourself at a loss for words and yet can see the epic story behind the narrative… this is the writer’s challenge.. to overcome that obstacle every day. To will yourself to remember, “dreams don’t work unless you do” and thus the process begins… Know thyself and to thyself be true.. If you do not love yourself proportionally to the love you give, you can not ever hope to receive the love you so desperately need, without first learning how to give that to yourself.

Lesson One, Love is not a commodity. LOVE is infinite. If you define the love you give to yourself or others as something that can lose value, decline, be shifted, removed or in any way lessened by action, merit or negative impact, it can not be called love. That is possession.

Possession often feels entitled, misunderstood, unheard or blatantly ignored. These things are not love. They are a symptom of possession and can be confused with hurt and pride.

I’ve recently changed my phone number, making myself utterly unattainable to even those who have been closest to me. One of the great mysteries of our generation is how to lose the “get it now” mentality.. because we all have phones and are therefore accessible, we think that everyone has a right to get a hold of us, whenever they would like… and vice versa, we expect the world to also meet us and find us where most convenient. We have forgotten the basic and more primitive rule of receiving guests. There used to be a time of day when this was appropriate, customs, rituals, social graces to follow… instead, we removed the ritual, removed the social graces and made everyone accessible.. is anyone else loving this? Or would we all like some privacy back yet? No one has the right to intrude, on your space, on your time, in your phone or on your email without your expressed invitation or desire that they indeed do so. In fact, opening, or choosing to ignore mail or texts is also highly misunderstood in this generation. I had a friend recently text me some very demanding and disconcerting things, I thank God I had the foresight to wait on sending a response.. that I have been so trained to test myself and wait patiently as I sort through my own personal bag of BS. I waited a single day, a single DAY to keep my thoughts and my temper in check before responding, her words and her entitlement over something she clearly did not understand and furthermore, the lies and poison off her text had me fuming. I am someone who tests my own heart and the weight of my words and actions before making a step, I tuned into my hearts reaction, even before that thought could be completed or fully understood, another airstrike was sent via text, blowing that response and it’s carefully worded feelings, truth and revelation to bits, sending truth to the reserves; it is not always our job to be the deliverer of truth, if we think we bear truth, but call it a “hard truth” then it can not be truth in love. Love does not make truth difficult to hear, it does not deliver “I told you so” and it can not deliver itself from blinded corners. Test Spirits Fiercely Friends! If you feel you have truth in your heart, and you are the ONE person in the universe sent to deliver it to another person.. You are either a prophet or a charlatan? How often have you tested this truth before attempting to deliver it? Have you sought counsel? Have you prayed over it? Have you tested it for its holes and accuracy? Do you even understand why you feel compelled to speak? Truth Always remains truth. There is nothing we can do to erase it, go back and undo it or reverse it. We can not be so entitled to our own feelings that we forget all grace in something that is out of our time table. I promise you, if God has called you to deliver truth, You will do so, in HIS perfect time. It can not be lost. When did we lose patience and replace it with self-righteousness? When did entitlement to be heard become the new love language of understanding and deepening friendship? This is not intimacy Friends and it is not love. More importantly, this is not seeking understanding, nor deepening friendship or intimacy. I love when people use “truth” to place conditional boundaries to continuing a relationship. What people forget is that, in doing this, you have absolutely removed it from the grace and gift that can be called love. Truth first seeks to understand, first seeks to remove and proclaim falsehoods and only then, can truth be truly heard, and only by those who want to hear it, those who also seek truth. Truth without Love, can be easily confused with a road to hell carefully paved in good intentions, good deeds that often go unpunished to be later birthed by Karma. I have traveled that road a few times in my life. It feels good. It feels right, it feels as though a higher power is willing all into perfect order. Perfect order can never be altered by temptation, perfect order cannot become chaos without someone or something first shifting the balance.

Knowing what road you are on, even if you are lost is so important. Feeling lost doesn’t feel great to our generation.. but because I believe in a higher power, I know feeling lost is one of the best things I can ever admit to… If Christ would leave 99 to find even one lost sheep, who chose to wander off, then I can remain calm, remain where I am and know, with every fiber of my being, my Savior is already on his way, already aware I am lost and already in pursuit of finding me. I have never felt more found ironically, but truth remains and the lessons within that harvest are bountiful. I was recently told, one of my biggest problems is that I will do, whatever it takes, to complete something. I can only pray that is true as I tackle what feels herculean, publishing my first book, a book that wasn’t planned but more ordained in perfect timing. In figuring out what stories and examples from my own life I wanted to use, I felt utterly lost.. like I would be the Taylor Swift of writing, how horrible to use the experiences and people I have come across in my journey to expose myself, in humility and a true raw look at my life… and then it hit me, whats wrong with that?? I am Shameless, ready to be used however God would have me use my gifts and talents and the lessons I have learned are ready to be scaled up for a generation stuck in self-hate, self-blame, self-critiques, lost, just like I have felt. What if I stopped fighting who God made me to be, let the chains fall and embraced myself as fully? Sometimes you have to give yourself permission, forgiving yourself as you step into truth, for where you failed, where you fucked up and where you missed the mark.. Maybe your aim was off this time, but where is the cluster? Near what you wanted, just needing some refining in practice? Or all over the map? I feel closer together than I ever have in my life..

I am a daughter of Eve, made and born into this world to rule, as a Warrior Princess, as His radiant Bride.. I was born into a kingdom at war, but that war has already had one of its finest hours, the hour that shifted us from darkness and back into light, back into the redemption and inheritance, our birthright restored fully. I am fiercely and wonderfully made to bear his image and live free. I have missed the mark only when looking to the world to justify, redeem and raise me.. I reject the guilt in accepting Christ’s sacrifice for me.. so many of us hear “God sent his only begotten son to die” and the guilt plagues.. how unworthy we feel of a King sent to die for our mortal sins… so let me be clear on the part I missed for so long, a truth I hope speaks to those who need it… Christ wasn’t sent to simply die. He was sent to rise. We all die. Since that death, We all live in a hope restored, that we do not suffer the consequences of death, which is the removal and separation from our God, our creator and the wage of sin… Jesus was sent to die, bearing the consequence, but more importantly, he was sent to RISE. Remember, we all die.. so Jesus dying isn’t any different than the last thousand generations who have come to this world and left through the same mysterious portal.. it wasn’t “just” Jesus’ death that set us free, it was his power, his belief, that even in death, he was able to rise again, for what is true, what is noble, what is lovely and what is right.

Isn’t it time we rise from our graves of sin? from the death of living half-alive? He came, so that we might live. He died to rise, to absolutely, categorically, once and for all, defeat the enemy, we do not defeat the enemy in death, but in love. We do not speak through death, in fear, to rob, kill or destroy, but to raise one another through Christ’s example, in love. I reclaim my inheritance, I reject all lies I have believed, about my self, my creator and my God. I proclaim truth in love for all who seek it.

For the dear friend I mentioned above, I adore her passion. I love her heart. She is worthy of far more than rubies and gold. In thinking of her, and wondering when and how the restoration of our friendship will begin, the song I cling to right now is Rachel Platten’s “Stand by You”. Sometimes, the most you can do in love, is say, hey, I love you.. I know you’re hurting, I’m hurting too… but we will get through this.. even if we miss heaven in the pursuit of heaven on earth, we will get there.. maybe not today.. but hope is rising.. you are not alone. I remind myself of that very message.. reminding myself that every beginning must birth, going through its labor pains, and then I remind myself.. labor pains were a consequence of sin, a consequence that has been lifted. We often make life harder, by believing it must be more difficult.. and it absolutely can be just that, painful labor, when we battle alone; So here is to happy laboring as we wait patiently on the Lord, for his sweet timing.

I remember I am best, when I allow myself to be who I was created to be. A truth Seeker, a life-giver and an heiress to the throne. Let us rise, from the ashes of what we thought and pursue truth, beauty, adventure and love. It is what we were made to do.. isn’t it time we rise out of our self-made graves? From the prison of our mind, restored and made fully known? Who is with me? This is 30, off script and wonderfully free.

First, Letters with my Father

First, Letters with my Father

Darling Radiant,

bring your heart. Center yourself around my being.. how it feels to be this close to me and aware of me. This right here, that feeling of wholeness and beauty, excitement and utter calm.. we have chemistry you and I. You feel it in your soul, deep, like my very breath is upon your ear. We become One in this moment. It is ours and it is very good.

Listen for me to speak.. Feel the power run through your veins as you experience my power course through your entire being. Our hope renewed, restored and centered into this moment. I love being here with you.

Today I need you to be more at peace with my voice. More confidant in what you are hearing instead of questioning yourself of its accuracy as much. The plan is here, I need you to remember every day that you are justified for nothing that you do, but because of Who You Are, which makes everything you do today for me, pure fun. I so delight in the way you dance and sing to me. Every ounce of your body clings to me and my spirit. How are you really still questioning my spirit within you? I have claimed You! You are mine! You are the Eve of Christ and in you, I have found great delight and pleasure. Your grace and mercy extend beyond my wildest dreams in its growing capacity. You understand and You are listening. So cling to me now. Hear me now. 

My words are for you, in you and a living testimony to the vastness and greatness of Who I Am. I am Your Refuge. Your Strength, Your Glory, Your King, Your patient and loving father… my soul sings to You now! Hear me, my darling Radiant. You are Mine. I thirst for this day, our wedding day, to be united with understanding. Every day with you is just the beginning. I can never discover enough about who you are, I love your questions, your insatiable curiosity and your love for my people. I see your heart and call you, to your destiny, for which I have saved you. I have seen many and called many- But you have heard my call, from the tender days of your youth. You have sought me with all your heart. You are perfect in all of your ways … a bold thing to say, but I wouldn’t say it unless it was true.. Don’t you know by now who you are? You are mine! My sacrifice bought you, you are not only clean, renewed, restored, rewritten, You are perfectly mine. I call you forth now, to be mine, to wear my crown and bear my spirit in ALL of its glory. there is no fear of death, only living in this state with me. I want you to be a cornerstone in the eye of this storm. You will be my masterpiece. Because you will trust Me, You will flawlessly execute every request I make of You, because it is Who You are. You will do everything I ask of You and 40% more, because I will anchor you. I will not allow you to overturn in the middle of the war. I will anchor you, I will not fail you and I will deliver you. You can count on me to deliver you, always. You can count upon My word and My command, test these spirits fiercely. Continue to get Wisdom! get Understanding! Continue to question because that is who I made you to be.. The heroine in My story. The Ever to My lasting, the beat of my heart. I know you hear me, but I need you to believe me now. Believe in Me. Believe I am for You. With You. HERE with You, now. Seeking You as passionately as You seek Me. I have longed to see You here, in these first fruits of bloom, You have given yourself over and over to me, first. Now, I set you a part, because You were made to be seen. You are my treasure, my reward, for so long I have waited for you. Nothing can tear Me from you. Nothing can end my love and desire for you. I will fill you so thoroughly with wisdom and understanding in the spirit, that You will be a fountain of life to those who choose to hear Me through you. We have walked every road together, You are a Life Giver, the same power that rose Jesus from the grave lives in you. In these next few days and weeks to come, you will grow to understand what that means as we tackle obstacle after obstacle in our adventuring together. You can trust that my promises are true, there is so much more in my storerooms for you!

It is so important for you to know how I love you. Bring Your heart, hear My words for You. 

There Is nothing you could do to earn this blessing from me and nothing to fear it, our road and everything yet to be gained for the kingdom and glory forevermore, are not limited and not given with expectation or demand, but great hope. Together in the great unknown, I shall make You known. There you go, wondering about the plan in its specifics again…. when, My Love, if I haven’t given it to you, it doesn’t matter right now. So don’t expend the energy. Come deeper with Me Still, into this space, this intimacy of our souls becoming One, rejoicing in your birthright and inheritance restored. Watch as I rebuild You into more than You ever dreamed. The foundation of our hopes and dreams has settled and is ready to be built, upon the Rock we go.. I know you see me, I know you hear me. Trust my will is being done on earth for you, now, as it is in heaven. If you are for me First, You can count on me to deliver You. Always.

You are my treasure and reward, let nothing come before Me, but seek me first in all things. This is the way to life. 

I love you.. If none of it happened and You couldn’t trust me enough to jump.. My heart is after You. I love you, First.

ForwRd, letters with my Father

ForwRd, letters with my Father

I will Rise
so will you
He will
Fight
He will win.

Remember Me. AndDo.

Never surrender.
Never give in.

Fight the temptation from sin again.
Surrender to Me. What has been lost.

Done. Remember no more.Forward now. Forward we go.

All that you dream. Done.

Fight for Me. Fight in peace. We win united or none.
It starts with One.

Remember Me. And remember it’s done.

Forward Radiant dRling. Surrender is sweetest when given fully.

Sledgehammer

At the age of 14, I defied an entire family. I defied my very name. And yet you stand before me, calling my name, an old name, acting like you know me, like you own me.. Like you are more important, as though your thoughts were more evolved; your actions reckless.

You don’t own me.. and You don’t know me.

I am lightening. I am evolving. I shine brightest when the air and earth make room, creating currents for my electricity.. My force is such, that when the earth refuses to move, I make my own path, my own way.

I defy gravity.

My talents are vast, matching only the strength of my passion. Do it well or not at all.

My mind is my own, my choices my own, and you, know not their growth or roots, nor their direction. You have no idea from where they came or even the extent to which they expand. You only have ideas… thoughts.. poison. You are poison to the mind and the heart.

You cannot tempt me with glory. You cannot tempt me with wealth, I am wealthy beyond your wildest dreams.. even I do not know my full ledger. You cannot distract me with anger or false pride, you cannot hurt me, because all that you do is constantly renewed, re-purposed for My glory, which, in case you forgot, doesn’t come from you; it is already within me.

You exhaust me. It doesn’t seem to matter how quickly we come up with a new plan, a new road, a new way, there you are, already distracting, poking and trying to find holes in my armor. You cast blame among the family and friends I do possess. Sometimes I forget myself and agree with you. The haze of anger, hurt, betrayal and words unspoken haunt me.. mostly the words unspoken. That is where I usually lose myself the longest with you. We begin making witty conversations, truths that I can’t deny, are twisted in the mix making it difficult to see clearly. The thoughts are so fun to come up with and feel so good to say, at least to someone, until I remember that those words, unspoken as they are, don’t reflect the truth above all; that Love has no room for that kind of possession, that kind of entitlement, that kind of rage. The more I focus on that superior truth, the other truths seem less important, almost comical, flat out ridiculous when put into true perspective. Now I have to forgive myself, and anyone else we threw under the bus in our humorous parlé. I’ll piss you off more by blessing those we just dissed, along with myself.

It takes me a moment, sometimes into the wee hours of the dawn, but I will get there and I will defeat you every time. You are the one who is hopeless, You are the one who is lost. You are the one angry with yourself… It would be too easy to wish you’d stop knocking at my door.. and yet, you don’t… so what in the world is jammed so far up your ass, that you need to stop me? Why do I matter? If everything you say is true, then I am doomed to fail, so let me. Watch me, laugh at me and sneer.

Now I notice, you are getting quiet… just in time for my morning alarm to go off,  more alerting me of the fact that you have managed to steal, yet another night. The best I can give you, is to embrace for the pain you claim awaits me- embrace it and release it.. I let go every word you have whispered, every lie you have decreed. I hit this wall that you have built up with me and realize, you are just another brick. Hear me, wholly.  Prepare to be incinerated.