Right Round.

A lot of our friends have their financial shit together or fake it really well.. My husband and I kind of toe the line… on the one hand, we don’t have a single credit card and haven’t for years, God if only (eeks, thank you Jesus for denying us the thrill of momentarily ease.. when even the credit people don’t want to help you further in-debt yourself, you know its just going to be a long climb out), I wish it had even been for fun stuff. We splurged once.. Literally once… a year we had way too much, way too fast. It was really fun and we don’t regret it all. It was necessary. It was our first and to date last family vacation. It was badass awesome. But all that to say, in my thirties, I thought I’d have that part together by now. I sit with my husband, he works from the ass crack of dawn and then comes home and fucks his wife, acting like he’s been at sea for four months…I am not complaining. We are both equally made in this regard, sexual creations that are pretty liberated in that freedom. Our passion is not for the weak or faint of heart. When its good, it’s heaven on earth.. When it’s bad… Jesus is literally the only reason we are still married today. I’ve got nothing else there… our story is ridiculous and incredible, has some hysterical moments in the valleys that I can remember walking through, with him, and they were dark. But again. Jesus..

So.. well over two years ago.. this promise came to my husband.. it brought him immense peace,  easing what could have had us walking through each day plunged and haunted by the immense terror of climbing out and helping us to release it – KNOW, Do what we can, but also know God is big enough to see where his favored kids need help and  want to meet that need, because he is a good father. And so, we began to pray on it and test it. Various people and experiences came our way.. Some had a word, a prayer, a blessing, a job.. each time, one of us hopeful, maybe this was the promised redemption God promised to deliver that we have spent so much time in prayer over.. the desire to experience his complete ease and light yoke we crave in every area of our life… I have never been loved so well and it is showing… but when I look into his face, I see a man, feeling stuck in a job he excels in, but doesn’t fuel him. A man entering his prime of life, ready to let his passions and fire ignite him but in that stage that feels like restless-hebrew-syndrome as we wander waiting and hoping for this promised land, greater we are told, more vast than we can imagine… It sounds amazing. Sign me up. I will wait patiently on the Lord for His pleasure as I eagerly knock, seek and ask for his blessing and every time doubt or insecurity plague me, I take it back to the cross… but I can completely understand where the man, responsible for the household would be the one carrying the greater load of reason and worry.. but it is for this reason it must be less. WE can not have a problem claim to be bigger than God. It just doesn’t work that way. So either there is an obstacle in the way or you need to ask again.. which… I promise you ladies.. THAT is NEVER the thing to say to your spouse.. I tried to twist his arm into fasting from work tomorrow. call out Sick, drink and cuss or journal it out with God.. but since I see his ice packs put away, I know he will stick to his iron clad work morals.. which leaves me tonight to do the heavy lifting, with weapons that are far greater than anything else..  I took this very issue, the stress and strain I see on my husbands face, and prayed it out to the only One I know who can actually handle it. I want my husband to be free to chase his wildest ambition and I feel it is coming soon… but “soon” is not this second.. so as I am lifting him, blessing him, our family, asking again for a word, a song, anything… without hesitation, God speaks into my heart, while playing this in my mind.

It’s early morning.. I thrive off energy and I am overjoyed with the spirit. There is more than a pep in my step… There is a giggle.. an innocence, a blush.. in the air. I am working on prepping my husbands french press in our kitchen and am just nearly done when I feel his hands gently massage my shoulders, before moving in to kiss my exposed and vulnerable neck, biting and nipping his way along wickedly as his hands just happen to pin point and trace my spine and hips in a methodical leisure that brings my butt circling, near-dancing as I rise to feel the ridge of his cock against my ass. He also loves how his cock feels against my Beyond Yoga pants, so it’s not shocking that he lingers here for a moment before He laughs and asks how I am not exhausted..I think about it for a moment and then realize, I have been up since 4am. I try to think about everything I’ve accomplished this morning.. It’s only a little after 7AM… I had lessons with “Whisper”, my beautiful silver mare. I recall coming home, showering and then finding him on our patio, enjoying the first hints of sunrise, his coffee and bible as usual with a notebook.. A blow job turns into a quickie..which turns into me now running late..  I will not let my rush, rob anything from this peace, this serenity and these kisses on my neck..  I take a moment to glance out “our” backyard, down to a breath taking view of the sunrise playing as it usually does across this stretch of beach. It is in this moment of firelight dancing back through my window, that I realize, “My House” overlooks the ocean, and is in a beautifully decorated kitchen, exactly like something I would design MY dream kitchen to be. Everything is in perfect order, easy to find..  I am amazed and find eggs and bacon in the fridge and think, why not? As I begin to prep a fancier breakfast for the morning… He pulls me in for a deeply passionate kiss, before taking the pan from me and igniting the stove top himself. You Go. You have Pure Barre and then writing… Are we going to chill and netflix this afternoon before the kids get home? I laugh, while responding, if that means a nap and a quickie, then yes!  As I grab my car keys and head out to the garage, I recall the days schedule as I walk through a house I recognize with detail only I would make.. He is feeding and getting the girlies to school today before training and then hitting his workshop. We’ll both find each other for tea if we haven’t seen the other by 3pm, as is the usual standard.

NO Clue.. what kind of car I got into.. but I was happy to be running late, knowing I had started breakfast, the girls would be coming down soon.. and the smile on my husbands face, was the most free I have ever seen him.. so relaxed, at peace and so damn happy. It’s also a part of the morning only ever made possible by vacations or weekends. The morning routine is one I rarely have the privilege of his aide. I let the memory of this visual wash over me as I again renew my mind and ask God to bless it.. I know that face, the peace and fulfillment, is one I will be seeing again, very soon.. I hope for ridiculous things… from a father that adores me.. because I know who I am. #WarriorPrincess And yet none of that is the point… we were home.

This is 30 – OFF SCRIPT

This is 30 – OFF SCRIPT

“My life is composed of movement, moments, heart and truth. My heart is for people, my passion knows no bounds. I fight for peace and I aim for glory, my standard is not common among men.”  – R.D. Frey

Today… I am remembering the art of being transparent, the joy and fun I have in the shock factor, the joy and entertainment  I receive while regaling you with whatever-the-fuck I want to, while pursuing this thing on earth we call “life”, and more specifically, my thirties, what am I learning? What am I trying? Where have I failed epically!? That was the original point of this blog.. free-flow and prep for “This is 30.” this blog was supposed to be a transparent, raw, humorous resource of my life and the lessons I pursue.. the wisdom I seek and any failure along that road. I look back over every unpublished word I have written in the last 10 months and question everything; Myself, my motives, my desires, my flesh, my soul and my spirit. I remember words, phrases, conversations and ask myself, did You find what you were looking for? The answer is no.. Could I have done it better? Failed Sooner? Well yes, but, I might have found something better here, nothing I could have ever come up with on my own, and only through these trials and fails can I see it so clearly, The way through the obstacle. I recall a meeting I was privileged to attend just two months ago and hear the speaker again.. “Fail EARLY. Fail OFTEN. Fail CHEAP.” As someone who was taught from the tender days of my youth to aim for perfection, why settle for your second best when you can do better(LIE!), this whole idea of failing shook me to my core.. FAIL??? They WANT us to fail now and it’s actually positive??? This was not the world I grew up in.. in fact, this is not anything I have ever heard before as remotely positive.. and yet… it’s positive? to Fail?? If that is true, then I freely admit.. I have failed myself on this blog.. I have failed at the original goal to remain transparent, to remain laughing despite whatever heartache came along.. to remain true to myself, my spirit and my soul. Hearing the words again, “fail early, fail often, fail cheap” I truly wish I had failed earlier. Freedom is in the process.

I began ThisIs30.org a solid 10 months before my 30’s began… my personal philosophy, as someone who has always yearned to be older than my earthly body, I have always looked to my “conception” as the time of year I get to “jump” ahead to the next year, even though my birthday falls in August, every December, I automatically start saying I am a full 9 months older than my birth certificate can claim.. I see my “birthday” as the day I was conceived, the day my fathers sperm collided with my mothers womb as opposed to the day I first drew breath. I have always felt quite a bit older than I feel, always sought to hang out with not just kids older than myself, but also adults, from a very young age. The gap in the feeling, that I feel older than my actual age, has not diminished as I’ve aged and yet feels wider now than ever. The irony in feeling older than you are, and also feeling like you don’t know anything is not lost on me. To be an infant at 100, is startling and also refreshing. Did anyone else ever do that? Look to the older people around you, wishing and hoping for the day, you too, would know it all? Where’s my refund? IT TURNS OUT, THAT NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING… and most people who pretend to know, are just that… posers.. pretending. I remind myself with grace that I am one to be calling the kettle black. I have spent 30 years, studying, testing and learning from people, in the last 9 months more so than ever.. the HOPE is that I learned something, and I am going to rediscover it here, Ever Forward. Truth… yes, but above all, Love. Whatever I learned or think I know, it centers itself around Love and there is my great battle.. Discerning the truth in Love, with the posers, charlatans and cheapskates of this world, finding the saints and pursuing people. As I glance at this, I laugh, remembering the lessons, conversations, reading the words I have written in moments of confusion, hurt, betrayal and the words I have also written, in joy, in great hope and in full love. I could not imagine a greater start to my thirties or a more entertaining failure to learn from so quickly, but that’s where we are.. Today I am 30 and I am a writer, or at least I tell myself I am… I see “trust the PLAN is good” and “trust the process in the plan” on my wall, encouragement centered into my core… and this process of writing, when you don’t know what to say, find yourself at a loss for words and yet can see the epic story behind the narrative… this is the writer’s challenge.. to overcome that obstacle every day. To will yourself to remember, “dreams don’t work unless you do” and thus the process begins… Know thyself and to thyself be true.. If you do not love yourself proportionally to the love you give, you can not ever hope to receive the love you so desperately need, without first learning how to give that to yourself.

Lesson One, Love is not a commodity. LOVE is infinite. If you define the love you give to yourself or others as something that can lose value, decline, be shifted, removed or in any way lessened by action, merit or negative impact, it can not be called love. That is possession.

Possession often feels entitled, misunderstood, unheard or blatantly ignored. These things are not love. They are a symptom of possession and can be confused with hurt and pride.

I’ve recently changed my phone number, making myself utterly unattainable to even those who have been closest to me. One of the great mysteries of our generation is how to lose the “get it now” mentality.. because we all have phones and are therefore accessible, we think that everyone has a right to get a hold of us, whenever they would like… and vice versa, we expect the world to also meet us and find us where most convenient. We have forgotten the basic and more primitive rule of receiving guests. There used to be a time of day when this was appropriate, customs, rituals, social graces to follow… instead, we removed the ritual, removed the social graces and made everyone accessible.. is anyone else loving this? Or would we all like some privacy back yet? No one has the right to intrude, on your space, on your time, in your phone or on your email without your expressed invitation or desire that they indeed do so. In fact, opening, or choosing to ignore mail or texts is also highly misunderstood in this generation. I had a friend recently text me some very demanding and disconcerting things, I thank God I had the foresight to wait on sending a response.. that I have been so trained to test myself and wait patiently as I sort through my own personal bag of BS. I waited a single day, a single DAY to keep my thoughts and my temper in check before responding, her words and her entitlement over something she clearly did not understand and furthermore, the lies and poison off her text had me fuming. I am someone who tests my own heart and the weight of my words and actions before making a step, I tuned into my hearts reaction, even before that thought could be completed or fully understood, another airstrike was sent via text, blowing that response and it’s carefully worded feelings, truth and revelation to bits, sending truth to the reserves; it is not always our job to be the deliverer of truth, if we think we bear truth, but call it a “hard truth” then it can not be truth in love. Love does not make truth difficult to hear, it does not deliver “I told you so” and it can not deliver itself from blinded corners. Test Spirits Fiercely Friends! If you feel you have truth in your heart, and you are the ONE person in the universe sent to deliver it to another person.. You are either a prophet or a charlatan? How often have you tested this truth before attempting to deliver it? Have you sought counsel? Have you prayed over it? Have you tested it for its holes and accuracy? Do you even understand why you feel compelled to speak? Truth Always remains truth. There is nothing we can do to erase it, go back and undo it or reverse it. We can not be so entitled to our own feelings that we forget all grace in something that is out of our time table. I promise you, if God has called you to deliver truth, You will do so, in HIS perfect time. It can not be lost. When did we lose patience and replace it with self-righteousness? When did entitlement to be heard become the new love language of understanding and deepening friendship? This is not intimacy Friends and it is not love. More importantly, this is not seeking understanding, nor deepening friendship or intimacy. I love when people use “truth” to place conditional boundaries to continuing a relationship. What people forget is that, in doing this, you have absolutely removed it from the grace and gift that can be called love. Truth first seeks to understand, first seeks to remove and proclaim falsehoods and only then, can truth be truly heard, and only by those who want to hear it, those who also seek truth. Truth without Love, can be easily confused with a road to hell carefully paved in good intentions, good deeds that often go unpunished to be later birthed by Karma. I have traveled that road a few times in my life. It feels good. It feels right, it feels as though a higher power is willing all into perfect order. Perfect order can never be altered by temptation, perfect order cannot become chaos without someone or something first shifting the balance.

Knowing what road you are on, even if you are lost is so important. Feeling lost doesn’t feel great to our generation.. but because I believe in a higher power, I know feeling lost is one of the best things I can ever admit to… If Christ would leave 99 to find even one lost sheep, who chose to wander off, then I can remain calm, remain where I am and know, with every fiber of my being, my Savior is already on his way, already aware I am lost and already in pursuit of finding me. I have never felt more found ironically, but truth remains and the lessons within that harvest are bountiful. I was recently told, one of my biggest problems is that I will do, whatever it takes, to complete something. I can only pray that is true as I tackle what feels herculean, publishing my first book, a book that wasn’t planned but more ordained in perfect timing. In figuring out what stories and examples from my own life I wanted to use, I felt utterly lost.. like I would be the Taylor Swift of writing, how horrible to use the experiences and people I have come across in my journey to expose myself, in humility and a true raw look at my life… and then it hit me, whats wrong with that?? I am Shameless, ready to be used however God would have me use my gifts and talents and the lessons I have learned are ready to be scaled up for a generation stuck in self-hate, self-blame, self-critiques, lost, just like I have felt. What if I stopped fighting who God made me to be, let the chains fall and embraced myself as fully? Sometimes you have to give yourself permission, forgiving yourself as you step into truth, for where you failed, where you fucked up and where you missed the mark.. Maybe your aim was off this time, but where is the cluster? Near what you wanted, just needing some refining in practice? Or all over the map? I feel closer together than I ever have in my life..

I am a daughter of Eve, made and born into this world to rule, as a Warrior Princess, as His radiant Bride.. I was born into a kingdom at war, but that war has already had one of its finest hours, the hour that shifted us from darkness and back into light, back into the redemption and inheritance, our birthright restored fully. I am fiercely and wonderfully made to bear his image and live free. I have missed the mark only when looking to the world to justify, redeem and raise me.. I reject the guilt in accepting Christ’s sacrifice for me.. so many of us hear “God sent his only begotten son to die” and the guilt plagues.. how unworthy we feel of a King sent to die for our mortal sins… so let me be clear on the part I missed for so long, a truth I hope speaks to those who need it… Christ wasn’t sent to simply die. He was sent to rise. We all die. Since that death, We all live in a hope restored, that we do not suffer the consequences of death, which is the removal and separation from our God, our creator and the wage of sin… Jesus was sent to die, bearing the consequence, but more importantly, he was sent to RISE. Remember, we all die.. so Jesus dying isn’t any different than the last thousand generations who have come to this world and left through the same mysterious portal.. it wasn’t “just” Jesus’ death that set us free, it was his power, his belief, that even in death, he was able to rise again, for what is true, what is noble, what is lovely and what is right.

Isn’t it time we rise from our graves of sin? from the death of living half-alive? He came, so that we might live. He died to rise, to absolutely, categorically, once and for all, defeat the enemy, we do not defeat the enemy in death, but in love. We do not speak through death, in fear, to rob, kill or destroy, but to raise one another through Christ’s example, in love. I reclaim my inheritance, I reject all lies I have believed, about my self, my creator and my God. I proclaim truth in love for all who seek it.

For the dear friend I mentioned above, I adore her passion. I love her heart. She is worthy of far more than rubies and gold. In thinking of her, and wondering when and how the restoration of our friendship will begin, the song I cling to right now is Rachel Platten’s “Stand by You”. Sometimes, the most you can do in love, is say, hey, I love you.. I know you’re hurting, I’m hurting too… but we will get through this.. even if we miss heaven in the pursuit of heaven on earth, we will get there.. maybe not today.. but hope is rising.. you are not alone. I remind myself of that very message.. reminding myself that every beginning must birth, going through its labor pains, and then I remind myself.. labor pains were a consequence of sin, a consequence that has been lifted. We often make life harder, by believing it must be more difficult.. and it absolutely can be just that, painful labor, when we battle alone; So here is to happy laboring as we wait patiently on the Lord, for his sweet timing.

I remember I am best, when I allow myself to be who I was created to be. A truth Seeker, a life-giver and an heiress to the throne. Let us rise, from the ashes of what we thought and pursue truth, beauty, adventure and love. It is what we were made to do.. isn’t it time we rise out of our self-made graves? From the prison of our mind, restored and made fully known? Who is with me? This is 30, off script and wonderfully free.