It’s been a while… I’ve been having writer’s block…wonderfully corked to the same emotional disconnection that allows me to withhold that emotional trust and connection that used to flow so naturally to You. Sometimes I don’t know what to say. Sometimes the grief is still a part of the daily routine with You… and I am still working on letting my pride go to trust You and accept that the new plan is actually Good… I loved the beauty, the design and the mess of this last one, simple yet complex and utterly doomed to fail with both of us trying to control how the plan needed to be accomplished and what labor pains must be staked in order to reach the “next level” of what love could be.. that the destiny of it all would simply match up with our natural born desires.. that we would find freedom because it was so pure, noble, simple, graceful and lovely. It was dirty as hell too.. but there is beauty in glory of being completely unashamed and loving and living from that root. It’s hard for me to let that go.. more than You see and more than I allow You to know. Despite the chaos… I loved it. and I loved You. Forward, ever Thine, we move forward. I move forward, grasping for what to say, You know how to draw it out..I need You to trust that my Love for You is still there. You see it in the oddest places and yet never in the way I remain for You.
You command a Smile… the arrogance of it will surely complete the task, despite my best effort not to.
You will always interest my brain, my heart and my cunt.. It’s just how I’m wired. I will always wish we had more time to talk while being equally grateful for the time that I had.
I will always want to run away with You. I always wish we were in bed, too.
You and I were made to roam this earth in perfect freedom and our journeys are meant to parallel. Perfect love is not loving perfectly but rather learning the art to loving imperfectly. Accepting what is and learning to love the why behind the character, behind the action and imperfect nature of being utterly human. I need You to show me again how to love. What it means. Redefine it. Show me the ways to spark the fire and ignite You. Teach me patience, in learning the time it will take for me to trust in this blank page and know the fruit is coming…That this road map will be even better than new because this time we remember what we drew out before and where the arguments led us astray, which things were worth fighting for, not over, and how it became such an artistic and disastrous example of love.. We should probably frame it.. but that would be holding onto what we had… which wasn’t the best it could be, I know that to be true and yet I don’t know what to say.. which leaves this page blank.. and me accepting the moving forward part.. which allows You to lead the way.. disarming me to trust You.. it should be easy, because it’s a road we’ve traveled already. Lead the way, Beloved… for I too, know that I have been down this road and witnessed it’s possible. It just takes You.. and me. Draw something.. Find me within the depths of Who You are, because I am made in Your image and am Your very flesh. As I know You, so You know me.. I was made to be a breath of life, to be a life bearer, a witness and a saint. You cannot claim to know me when You have much to learn.. And I clearly have learning to do on myself because here we are, at the bottom of a very not so blank page…
You’re drawing it out of me again and here I am writing… Where shall we lead this day, where shall this adventure and this road map lead?
Because today is a new day and we still have a blank page before us…
..because our journey is not finished. And we have a long road ahead.
Think of me, and if You dare…
Smile… Because you can’t not. I’m still waiting for You to show me, teach me… Lead, Darling Friend and I will follow.