I can move mountains and work a miracle… I fear nothing and yet I will run on a dime from myself. It’s a bad habit. I’m working on it. But as I stare into my third beer, on a work night, staring at the bottom of the barrel and trying to wrap my brain around WTF is Up my ass… I find no comfort. Just a headache for this puzzle I can’t solve fast enough.

Drowning will eventually kick in… it just takes a minute. So what’s the solution to learning how not to swallow the waves? Learn to walk on water… 1000 Proof wouldn’t be enough to settle the anticipation and excitement for coming events and yet, my heart is heavy.

I remind myself to have some grace.. For Myself. It’s not every day your mother asks for a favor, and then that “favor” turns out to be a  question seeking how to help a wonderful man, learn how to cum in her mouth…I wish I could make this stuff up! Now we’re at child abuse and I need another beer. No- right, switching to Moscow Mule…Thank You Mother Russia for providing such a natural, smooth beverage that my heart adores. I sip slowly, remembering that was only half of my morning… I was in a work meeting when my phone went off… I don’t know many women that have to contend with receiving inappropriate, nude photo’s of their mother… It’s like a “don’t tell your mother” type of photo, so WTF would you send that to your daughter??? On the flip side, to get a picture of this lovely lady, growing in her sensuality at the tender age of 57, is a beautiful thing. I understand her growth and her attempts at bravery and her curiosity into unexplored darker worlds.. She looks hot for 57, shit she looks great for any age… but again, Now I need more alcohol. Apparently some parents just take a little longer to grow up and understand whats appropriate.

I apologize now to my girls for any photo’s they accidentally come across when they are adults. Just know, mommy will never text one to you. I am not a prude but Damnit I do have a morale code, even if it’s in three different languages and some odd mixture of braille. I know what it says and I listen to it…

On a much more personal and less comedic note, It’s been a difficult few weeks adjusting to this new battle rhythm. Some images drown us, some moments knock us off the boat and into the water… but never forget, you know how to swim, even if you’re still learning to walk on the water… So use what you have and get back in the boat. Whatever comes (no pun intended), learn to fight with the waves, not against them. Remember it is your own heart tested, not those around you. How you respond and how you feed your own soul while nurturing others is vital to your own survival. Let the beating of the waves continue until I learn to trust the water holding me up.

The other side of the coin

The other side of the coin

I love what I do and I love writing.. I have a darker side and it’s definitely not for everyone.. But this week I’m definitely peeling a few more layers and it only seemed appropriate to share this blog from the dark side of being utterly Shameless.

Enjoy, Darling Reader..

We’ve no less time..  | Darling Slave http://darlingslave.com/2016/01/17/weve-no-less-time/

#RIPAlanRickman #cancerIsAnAss #NotTheGoodKind 

“You’ve got to go and be mad at all of my honesty…” – Justin Bieber

“You’ve got to go and be mad at all of my honesty…” – Justin Bieber

I love to experience God through music and clouds… It’s a little known fact about me among very few of my closest friends and family… but I feel transcended, spiritually attached and grounded, calm even, when God paints a picture in the sky for me, or the right music comes on and moves my soul. There’s really nothing better than driving, specifically more so, in Florida, during or right after a storm around sunset… blasting Florence and The Machine and taking in the layers upon layers of immense, breath-drawing, worshipful scenery. The clouds are so much larger there, or seem so much larger because the land is flat. The entire sky lights up and proves God’s existence daily… It’s surreal, and to me, the closest I get to seeing Heaven on Earth in it’s Full Beauty. Until Today.

Even in Southern California, these last few weeks I have felt God moving, seen His hand and His wonders in the sky and in that, I have felt the closest to the time we lived in Florida. Experiencing and Receiving God’s wonderful Glory and His Love for this earth.. and it’s people. God knows how to Romance this Shameless Darling’s heart… and He does. Constantly.

So I’m driving to work the other day, there is a remarkable skyline, painted just for God’s Glory and I am convinced my personal enjoyment, I truly take joy in such cheap thrills. Beautiful Sky Line! We’re good. I have never felt so prepared, so ready for this journey we call life. I feel hollow, but not in despair or grief, quiet the opposite, like I have been made Hollow and am now ready to be filled with all good things.. My cup is overflowing. My heart is light.. except for this one song… Bieber-Fever? Or God speaking?  All I know is that it rocks my core to hear it…At first, I was determined to really not like anything Justin Bieber came out with… and then,  The more I listened to it, or it would pop up on the radio, the more the tears would seem to just flow, uncontrollably… and then, I really listened…

You gotta go and get angry at all of my honesty, I know you know that I made those mistakes maybe once or twice…By once or twice I mean maybe a couple a hundred times… So let me.. redeem myself tonight… ‘Cause I just need one more shot at second chances.. I’ll take every single piece of the blame if you want me to But you know that there is no innocent one in this game for two” – Sorry, Justin Bieber

I received it and was in tears, because it was like a voice was apologizing for my child-hood/young adulthood over the radio.. Every trial, every exercise, every fear and pain– and the more I heard it, the more I felt like, it was ALL wrong. Now– I am a silly almost 30-year-old crying to a teenagers failed romance… or am I?? So I thought on it and asked, “Lord, are you apologizing to me?! For What!?!” How could the King of the Universe apologize to me?? It’s unheard of! He’s God! Why would he apologize!! So, with my reaction firmly rejecting the idea of receiving any sort of apology, I moved on and the tears became controlled once again whenever Bieber’s “Sorry” would pop on.

The thing I love more and more as I get older, is this child-like questioning and learning I seem to have developed in my personal relationship with my Heavenly Father… I know most people pray to Jesus… and I do as well… but I just think that Jesus went to the Father, not himself… and Even though I know and believe in Jesus’ Authority and pray in that authority, it feels like my 20’s have been spent building that relationship more with the Father, letting Jesus take a back-seat, letting the Father instruct me and teach me all of these wonderful things… So I’m driving and this song, “Sorry” begins to play. I try to lose myself in the fun beat but am once again overwhelmed by the words I hear… “I’m sorry.. I never wanted that for you.” And as my brain is flowing over images from my childhood, I see God clearly, embracing me in his love and owning everything. Every tear, Every abuse, Every time I tried to make it work with my family again, Every time I tried to find a way to forgiveness and have them in my life.. Every time, every fail, every tear… No wonder I’m in tears… that’s 14 years of bullshit… followed by another 15 years of intense therapy, battle and surviving with very few beside me. Not much for a child to grow into, and yet I know God’s promise for me is so much greater. He has claimed my life so thoroughly, and yet this one song has me, in teenage hormones, ready to cuss Him out for apologizing.. Why NOW?

And then it hits me… as I’m driving. “You’ve got to go and be mad at all of my honesty” Yes I am mad.. mad if this is the honest truth from the lips of God.. Why be sorry? humanity’s Great question – Why not just stop it! and Then I hear it, really hear it…  “I died for all sins… that doesn’t just me what you did, Shameless…that means everything ever done against you. I’m sorry I didn’t stop it, I’m sorry you lived through it, I’m sorry the adults wouldn’t listen and I’m sorry I didn’t protect you.” I go back over the images, I see Jesus with me, in the worst moments.. taking the abuse with me, shielding me, driving in the car with me, protected me from the very worst and even when that worst was myself. And God, hating every moment that He must let the enemy own this earth because we gave it up and haven’t decided to fight our common enemy, instead we’ve lost sight and have spent the last few thousand years battling each other.

So overwhelmed.. The God of the Universe, the Creator and Author of Life, is sorry. And Has no need to be. And yet, we were born into a world that Jesus has clearly resurrected and is still broken.. We humans seem to be slow in our understanding, our growth and what that means in relationship to the One Who Loves Us So much. Accepting this may seem like blasphemy… but in my heart, I am finally ready to let it go, run to His Arms and accept it. I will most likely never hear those words from the people I have always needed to and yet, I no longer need it from them. He is enough. His words are enough. His promise is so much greater. I can receive His words with great humility, grace and acceptance now. I took a Bible Study this last fall, about understanding, accepting and embracing your inheritance from God.. That I am a princess and am waiting/anticipating and preparing my Father’s house and bringing His kingdom to earth, NOW. He’s sorry, but he’s tired of waiting… tired of people being abused, abandoned, used, forgotten… He remembers.

I will stand on my conviction, that This is The Year of The Lords Favor.. I know people don’t believe it yet… We find all these trivial details to disagree over, race, religion, politics and yet.. I feel blessed to say “God is for you” — Whatever You are. Whatever You believe. However you live… He is for you. He’s not asking you to change or give anything up, but just to believe. He’s missing so much of his Kingdom, due to the political correctness and trying to “be” what we think we must conform to in order to serve him… Lay down your weapons against flesh, remember His Greatness and His calling for you life. The Desires in your heart are good. They are possible.. It’s time to bring back Heaven on Earth. It used to be a place called Eden.. What will we rename it when we reclaim it?

I hope, this life-check, is more than just turning 30.. My great hope and prayer is that God would continue to conform me, more and more in His thoughts and His ways so that I may gain understanding and wisdom as I press forward – we must break the agreement that God doesn’t want you to have fun.. Fun is what we do on the way to inheriting the Kingdom. Is anyone else ready? Epic Year… Epic Day… Epic God.

You get every tear, while they see only the smile that you brought to my face, after drying my tears. 

You get the girl who’s defeated, to build me back up, smack me on ass, and send me back out to wage war in yet unseen forces; while they see only the warrior princess, riding back into battle fully renewed. 

You get the attitude, the sassy comments; while they receive deep thought and reflection.

You allow me to be wild and free; they see only put-togetherness and structure — a frame of developing confidence, that you restructure, bullet proof and support.

You get no bra, no make-up and no heels but when I dress for them, I think of You, and pleasing only You.